Feel Like Its The End of The World

Miss melancholy's brain these day...night & day....day & night...

Keep Breathing
By Ingrid Michaelson

The storm is coming but I don’t mind.

People are dying, I close my blinds.
All that I know is I’m breathing now.

I want to change the world…instead I sleep.

I want to believe in more than you and me.
But all that I know is I’m breathing.

All I can do is keep breathing.

All we can do is keep breathing now.
All that I know is I’m breathing.

All I can do is keep breathing.

All we can do is keep breathing now.
All we can do is keep breathing.

All we can do is keep breathing.

All we can do is keep breathing.

All we can do is keep breathing.

All we can do is keep breathing now.

Perhaps I need to see a psychiatrist....seriously...

COME BACK GREYS!!!

I AM UPSET....DEPRESS BEYOND WORDS...coz my GREYS is gone...

..

Emotional Post From Sylvia

How often do you read someone else's blog & start to cry?? Yes I mean CRY!!! I did - thanks to you Syl!! Sitting at my work desk, thank God its lunch time coz how embarassing!!
Add to that, as though a purposeful timing, my mom called!!

Read her posts : Sat 28 & Sun 29 April. www.saggiesuk.blogspot.com

Reason - I can completely understand how she felt & still feels....& with my current situation at home...a recipe for explosion of emotions....

Just one sentence...how I wish my mom could be here now, instead of...... story of my life.... ok call mom back now.....

Tomorrow

I am returning to work tomorrow. This time its for REAL.

Somehow I feel ...... dun quite know how to describe my feelings. Sad is not the word. Lost/ guilty perhaps? I look at Ethan and I feel apolegetic - for 'abandoning' him? I know, all my friends say that just coz I need to work, doesn't make me a bad mom. So many moms are doing it, its just life etc....but I can't help it, like I'm not giving him the best.

I know I'll miss him, ALOT. I know I need to learn to let go and to trust.
I just hope its worth it.

Miracle of Life

There's a program called Saving Babies currently showing on Ten. Basically its a show that documents stories of newborns requiring immediate medical attention. In the Intensive Care Unit, lives of the smallest babies imaginable are being saved. Covering long-term problems diagnosed while the baby is in the womb, to unexpected complications soon after birth.

It is simply heart wrenching watching how some of the tiniest babies fit into the palm of your hands and yet have to go through intricate heart or brain surgery. There are cases where babies are born with kidneys outside their body; hole in the muscle wall between chest and abdomen; intestines being grown into chest, squashing lungs and heart; internal organs grown into umbillica cord, missing bones etc. Some surgeries even require baby's heart to stop for half an hour while surgeon fixes the problem!!

It is watching real stories like this that reminds us to appreciate that Ethan is born w great health with everything he needs in the right places. And so to all who are pregnant with golden pig babies this year - Vivian, Bessy, Mabel, Cindy, Penny and my sister....I'll be praying for you, both mom and bub....doesn't matter boy or gal....just good health with no complications....take care my frens.

Decisions Decisions Decisions...

A house will not stand if the Lord does not build it (Psalm 127:1-2). So we need to be sure that whatever we do is in faith and tust in the Lord. But there is no need to lie awake at night worrying, because the Lord gives sleep to his beloved. And if we sow in tears, we will reap with joy (Psalm 126:5-6). If we don't sow, we will reap nothing.

To stay or to go is the question we have been troubled with for the past week.

A family should stay together - is the answer for me,

But doubts & fear flood over me.

The Lord is the ROCK upon which I must rely on,

So with this, in faith & trust we go forth.

Freshly Squeezed Milk Anyone?

Important Notice : The following is Rated W - For women only

This morning, Ethan didn't want to nurse. Guess he's getting used to the bottle as he doesn't need to work as hard to get the milk. Damm!! (I have been giving him expressed breastmilk so as to determine the quantity he drinks see)

Since I had to pump out the milk anyway, I thot I might as well make him wait & give him freshly squeezed milk. In order to speed up & knowing that he wasn't that hungry, I offered him only 50ml to start with.

Scene 1: Mil feeding Ethan in the hall. Michelle pumping in the room, revealing both "T@#".

Scene 2: Michelle over-hears that Ethan has finished the 50ml, she shouted "does he want anymore?"

Scene 3: Mil: "mommy asks if you want anymore...do you? I duno leh"

Scene 4: Brian: "seems like, let's give him a bit more" - Brian then runs to the room & collected some more freshly pumped out milk from mommy. He laughs & says "Wow, honey like milk factory"

R-i-g-h-t.... maybe I should get myself a door hanger that reads 'cow milking in process'

Never Say Never

Brought Ethan to visit Boomerang today...finally...after being 'bugged' since the day he was born.

Also marked as the first time I brought him out all my meeself *Argh...nail chewing moment* .

Said a little prayer request before I set out:
1. Dun cry in the car
2. Dun cry at Boomerang
3. Dun cry on the way back in the car
4. Basically, just dun cry

1. Got there in peace. So 1st prayer answered.
2. Whinged a little at Boom - only coz he was really sleepy & being handled by so many strangers. 2nd prayer considered answered.
3. Only for a minute - knocked out with 'motor motion'. 3rd prayer answered.
4. Basically, all answered. Praise God!!

Came home, pop into the shower & all of a sudden, had this 'self-awakening moment' about my life. Has it ever occured to you that the more you do not want something, the more you'll get it?

Here's my list of "I'll never..."

• Get a boyfriend same age as me --- 1st & 3rd same age. In fact, married one!
• Have a baby coming out from my 'thing' --- ;P
• Wanted a baby gal but God gave me a baby boy --- wouldn't switch Ethan for anything else now
• 'Leave' my parents --- ended up migrating to Sydney
• Live with in-laws --- can't run away from this one
• Stop working --- might have to if Brian really goes to Canada
• Give my baby pacifier --- 算了吧!

My point? Never say never...or maybe wish for the opposite instead?

Today's Heaven May Be Tomorrow's Hell

Obviously, these days I have more time, as evident from my much more updated blog.
Why??? -- Answer lies in the beauty of a Hammock, imported from Singapore, hand delivered by my mom in law.

Ethan boy naps in this hammock in the day & sleeps in his cot only after the evening feed. It has made a huge difference in my day - I even have time to read now! Its just much easier coaxing him to sleep as all we need to do is to 'yao-ah-yao'...

I know I know, many moms will shake their heads & strongly advise me against this - especially when we've been told time & time again that we need to teach babies to fall asleep on their own, in their cot. I have taken a shortcut, I am aware, and will probably have to pay for this when the time comes to remove him from the hammock. But my mom-in-law advocates this - saying that all her 3 sons slept in hammocks when they were little & had no problems sleeping on their own when they got bigger....I have to trust her on that, or at least it makes me feel better believing in that. So, since it provides me with sanity for today, I figured I shall worry about the future when the time comes.

"... But seek first his Kingdom and his righteousness, and all will be given to you...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of his own."
Mathew 6:33-34

我忍

For those who know me, you'll know exactly what I mean when I say this and why.
Self confess - I ain't no angel...

我忍...我忍...我忍忍忍

Separation Sadness

Thinking back what I said in my 1st posted blog that 'Time no longer flies' - I had to take it back yesterday. Why? Time has come for my mom to return to Singapore...Just why do good things always seem to pass so much faster? Can't describe how I felt on the way to the airport and sending her off. Its like a feeling of emptiness simply overwhelms you & grabs you in the throat.
Actually watching her pack was sad enough...

I guess its coz I have been so reliant on her for the past 2 months with the care of the baby. She's done nothing but look after every need and detail of me and Ethan - from making soup for me to carrying Ethan for hours and hours in the wee hours of the night so that everyone else can sleep, to preparing bath for Ethan, to the tiniest thing such as making sure there's cooled boiled water for me to drink (she's paranoid about filtered tap water). What more can anyone ask for in a mom & grandma?!

My message to Ethan before Grandma left "make sure you remember this face who carried you night after night so that you could sleep soundly.... ain't gona happen no more coz you gota learn how to sleep on your own from now on... (not a gd habit anyways)"



Seems just not long ago we went to pick her up so happily from the airport, when I was still pregnant with Ethan, not due till a week later so that mom and daughter can spend a week walking the streets of Sydney. I had all the plans in the world to bring her to places for coffee, doing our nails & weekend markets to go etc. But Ethan was eager to see grandma I guess, so he decided to pop a week earlier. With all the fuss & buzz for the past 2 months, all my plans with my mom were flushed down the drain.
Well, maybe not all, at least I did manage to bring her for her favourite Japanese food, a lobster dinner & we did have Sydney-sider coffee & breakfast a few mornings.
Can't imagine that it'll be till end of next year before we see her again. Gosh, by then Ethan would be about 1 year old!

Reality hit me at 1nish am this morning when I woke up to feed Ethan - coz this time I had to go out & bring him in for feeding...rather than my mom bringing him in for me & even straightening the wrap nicely for me so that I could pop him right back after his feed. After the feed I called my dad to check if she's arrived in Singapore. She said "yes I have landed safely. Go to bed, you must be tired." At that point, tears rolled down my cheek...

For all these little things and more, I thank you mom.

Time No Longer Flys

Inspired by Baby Ethan's Godma, I decided to start a blogg as well to pen down my days of being a stay-home nursing mom, at least till March that is. Hopefully it'll make my days pass faster. At this stage of being a breastfeeding newbie, pregnancy certainly seems much easier, and the nine months certainly seemed to have passed much faster!

I believe everyone would have, at one point or another said this phrase "Wow,how time flys, seems just yesterday that..." Well this notion has temporarily suspended for me since the day Brian and I officially entered into parenthood... Our little Ethan turned 3 weeks yesterday (with what seemed like the longest to get here) and I am still in confinement, till 10 Nov!!

My day passes by the hour, spending most of my time (day & wee hours of the morning) on Kian Li's arm-chair, doing you know what... The only consolation at this point for me is to know and hope that he puts on weight everytime we weigh him. Being a typical paranoid new mom, I worry if he is getting enough milk from me (since he spits out & poo so much!) I keep saying to my mom "working life seems so much easier." These few weeks have been the toughest for Brian and myself, all 31 years of it. Guess we were totally unprepared for the loss of freedom and the amount of sacrifice it takes to be parents. Alison (the kind Early Childhood Centre Midwife - duno what I will do without her) said something to me which I made alot of sense "You might wish to return to work now & resume your career life, but trust me and remember what I say - who will remember you in future, your work or your son?"

Anyways I thank God I have my mom and mil here to help - at least I can shove them the bube when nothing I do can stop him from crying. Being the 1st & only grandson, he's certainly being treated like royalty by his grandparents! Its also simply amazing how he'll stop wailing the minute my mom carrys him, guess this is what you call an experienced "old-bird"!!

Well, I have another battle to fight tonight...so pray for me...